MADAM

I regret the Intemperacy of what must follow but I write in Haste and Full Wroth. Even now my Sleeves are beset with Slither-Slime. You permitted me to bear away from your Library that Noble Book ‘the History of Inks’, for which I averred and still aver my Gratitude, but, Madam, you have behaved in a Manner Inconsonate with Professional Care.

Madam, to the point. I provided myself a Sacred Precinct to mix the Fifth Ink. I set certain Protections about the Place. I had no Wish to be interrupted by Robbers or Rivals. One of my Prominence and Noble Stature suffers grievously from the Envy of Lesser Practitioners. You must know, Madam, that I am an Adept of Wit and Skill, and that these Protections were mighty in Scope and Extent. I warded against Worm and Storm and Bite and Sight and the Eight Principles and the Four Hundred Names.

But, Madam, I warded not against the Pettiest and the Meanest. When one takes a Lease upon a Palace, one expects to bring one’s own Guards and Retainers to defend against Uninvited Ill-Wishers, but one does not expect to deploy Ratting-Cats and Mousing-Terriers for defence against the Rodentry. That, Madam, is a Given. So, Madam, I had assumed that as a Competent Preserver of Knowledge you would PLACE A WARD SALUTIFEROUS TO PROTECT AGAINST SUCH VERMIN AS RAW-PROPHETS!!

…

Madam, I have taken the necessary Time to compose Myself, and I will tell the Rest but briefly. The Raw-Prophet was drawn to the ‘History of Inks’, by what I know not. E’en as I turned to fill the Calcin, it fell upon the Book and by the Time I had turned back the Book was all but Engulfed. I strove mightily against the Raw-Prophet with the Strength – the great Strength – of my Arms but Raw-Prophets are Flexile and Indelicate Creatures and I won only Slime and Besmirchment and Intimate Assault, at no small Cost to my Dignity.

Therefore Madam I do now insist and demand that

FIRST, you abandon all Claims upon the ‘HIstory of Inks’. The Book is Gone, I do not wish to enquire exactly Where, but I imagine within the Doings of the Raw-Prophet.

SECOND, that you compensate me for your Incompetence. A Gift of the Second Volume of the Unexpurgated ‘De Horis’ will I suppose suffice.

THIRDLY that you compensate me also for the Cleansing of my Garments. I attach the Bill in Full.

Yours in honour,

HOKOBALD, of POCSIND.

[A note on the letter reads: Fine-Takers dispatched against Master Hokobald. In case of Non-Payment, seek Full Compensatory Redress from Society Obliviate]

[ SUPPRESS / TEXTS ]

See also: The-Beach-Crow ◆ ◆ A-Letter-to-Christopher-Illopoly-1932